Mixed Signals
by Captain Frappuccino
Summary: Uhura understand signals better than anyone, and sometimes signals change. When they do you simply have to switch off and move on. That's just what she plans to do.


**A/N Hey guys this is my first try at a Star Trek story...enjoy! **

**I OWN NOTHING**

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"And that's how change happens. One gesture. One moment. One person at a time." She'd read that sometime back, and up until recently she had never realized just how relevent it was until that one gesture and one moment occurred. Maybe it should have been obvious, and maybe it was and Nyota just didn't want to see.

One awful thing about being so fluent in all forms of communication is that you begin to notice everything. The slight hesitation in a word or movement, a glance that lasts a fraction of a second too long or happens too often. You see the rifts before the other person realizes they've formed, and the bonds that are being tied a pulled closer by unknowing idiots who can't see what is standing right within reach if they would just reach out a little and grab it. The only thing worse than seeing bonds of people who are blind to such things are when those glances used to come your way, and you used to be the one partially blind to such things.

On the day he had died though, it became impossible to ignore, the one side that she had only ever brought out, everything that was human about him, spilled over in a flood of motion and a scream. His outburst had frightened her at first, causing her to stay with Scotty a moment before following him out of the room. It was selfish but through all the panic she could only wonder about what would happen if she were to die or be hurt. Would he care like that? Would he simply move on like he did after Vulcan was destroyed? And when he had stayed to watch over Jim all the time that he was in the hospital, she knew that roles had been changed.

She was the supporting character, Caroline rather than Elizabeth at the center of his universe. Her attitude towards her Captain had once again reverted to it's old self, cold and annoyed. Nothing could make her want to be near him for more than a moment, though the disgust that used to be the driving force was replaced by jealousy.

Pushing it to the side had never been hard, there were always other things to dwell on. Work, languages, books anything could push those thoughts to the side, but as Lieutenant Nyota Uhura made her way down the sterile white hall of the Enterprise, with silence as her only company, she found distraction quite difficult.

The door opened with a hiss, revealing Spock just across the room, seemingly busy with his PADD. He had heard her no doubt, this thought sent butterflies through her stomach. Steadily as she could she made her way to the machine, getting coffee with shaking hands before going over to him.

"Spock." The young lieutenant smiled in greeting to Vulcan just in front of her, the mess hall was empty by now, with most of the crew having already turned in. The silence was unnerving for someone who has a hundred different voices and languages buzzing through an earpiece every waking moment; it so awkward the woman swore she could have touched it and felt it beneath her fingertips.

"Nyota." He nodded to Uhura with a small twitch at the side of his mouth that could only be called a Vulcan smile; once upon a time it made her feel special and girly, like she was the only person who had the right to see such a thing, a glimpse at his human side specifically for that human, now it put a sinking feeling into her stomach and almost made her change her mind about what she was going to do. The woman had yet to speak, perhaps now she could say something else, erase the subject from her mind and- be unhappy? Constantly wonder if this is real? The thoughts steeled her resolve mentally.

Her mouth opened, but for once she was at a loss for words for once in her life, tongue dry she closed it once more. Communication was easy for them at a time, sometimes it only took a sigh to know what was going on, they were an easy thing, easy to understand to each other. At a time anyway. Sipping her coffee she gathered all the nerve within her.

"I'm not going to dance around the subject Spock." Her words earned a raised eyebrow from the commander across the table. "Maybe you can't see it now but I can," Closing her eyes she pulled in a deep breath, her heart had began to beat faster in her chest, fluttering fast like a hummingbird's wings. "And if I don't do this now it won't end well for either of us. I think that, with everything that's happened I think that any relationship between us should be a friendship. Nothing more." Eyes opened to see a pair, hurt and confused staring back at her. Nyota cast her gaze down as she played with the coffee between her hands, the hot beverage scalding against her suddenly too cold skin. The need to avoid his gaze was most prominent at the moment. She wanted to shrink and disappear.

"Nyota, I'm afraid I don't understand your meaning." Uhura fought back tears, biting her lip as she pushed away from the table and stood in front of him, her heart felt like it had shattered in her chest. "I don't either." she looked down, shaking her head, only succeeding to confuse the Commander more.

"I love you. You know that?" She cupped his face in her hands, tears now freeling spilling down her cheeks, there had always been a silent agreement between them to never say it, not to push too much, and in a fraction of a second she had broken it. Her words seemed lost to her now as part of her hoped that he would say it back, end the bad feeling she was having and let everything go back to normal. He too stayed silent. "That is why I'm doing what's best." Leaning forward she pressed a kiss to his warm brow, inhaling a scent that couldn't be described, it was unearthly, and yet so natural. "I'm sorry." Sighing she turned and walked out of the room, her heels clicking.

The sound of furniture scraping against tile stopped her in her tracks and she chanced a glance over her shoulder. There he stood, arm slightly reaching out, a look of pure confusion on his usually expressionless face, hurt dulling his eyes. "Nyota I-" Spock closed his eyes and seemed to take a breath before opening them, moving his arm back to his side with his control regained he was every bit as stoic and statue like as usual, though she could see the slight sag in his shoulders. "Lieutenant Uhura." Spock corrected himself and Nyota felt a stab of pain go through her. I do not fully understand your reasoning, but I must accept your decision. I hope you will reconsider." He gave her a small nod before walking past her, leaving her alone.

She stayed still, replaying the small exchange over and over in her mind, long after his footsteps had faded away, it was not until another crewman entered the room that she left, ignoring the smile and greeting.

Her raven black ponytail swayed behind her as she walked briskly through the halls back to her room, the full weight of what she did suddenly hitting into her chest as the door slid closed. Falling back against it she allowed a tear to roll down her cheek before wiping it away with the back of her hand. Sighing she pushed herself up, arms and legs suddenly weak. Nyota never bothered to pull the covers back before falling onto her bed.

Most of the night she lay on her back looking at everything and yet seeing nothing; maybe she should reconsider. Go and apologize, wrap her arms around him and lay her head against his chest returning to the state of blissful ignorance to the rest of the world which she so longed for at the moment. The ache was constant, perhaps less sharp due to her fatigue but ever sawing away like an overused knife with the blade long having gone dull. The dark was more clear than light though, when she stared up at the ceiling, seeing only black and not him behind her eyelids; she realized that if she did go to him it would only delay the hurt that consumed her now. Perhaps it would push it off for a day, a month maybe even a year or two but...could she live with the nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach everyday? Before the thought crossed her mind she already knew that answer. It was better this way, it had to be.

When morning came she felt no better than the previous night, having slept little she actually felt worse. A groan escaped her lips as she rolled out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom.

The steam surrounded her as she stepped into the shower and allowed the water to simply run over her for twenty minutes, rather than take the usual ten minutes of every other morning. Inhale, she took a deep breath exhale, she let the breath back out. It was inevitable that she would have to see him again, and see the absolute passive look of no emotion on his face. He needed to get out of her head, memories of the two of them needed to be waved away. Even though she had relationships in the past, he was the first person she had ever truly been in love with. Hot tears ran down her face, mixing with the warm water from the shower head.

"Damn it!" She cursed as she realized she would be late.

The rest of her morning was spent hurry around attempting to looked like she had not spent the whole night awake, and like she had not been crying in the shower. The result of her efforts was as convincing as she could muster, this day would not be easy, and really it shouldn't be.

"I really do love him." Uhura murmured bitterly as she made her way to the her ponytail tighter she stepped through the doors and onto the bridge.


End file.
